Loving Changes

I looked down.

“I just didn’t expect this change,” I admit to my husband as he lies on the multicolored rug next to me.

I give a forced side-smile and try to shrug it off, blinking back the surge of emotions.

Laying on his back now he looks up at me, sitting cross-legged next to him. He tries to make words appear, but his lips get tight and his eyes red and full.

He starts again, hands near, ready to catch any water that might escape his eyes.

“I just don’t want you to feel badly,” he manages to whisper, fighting against his tightening throat. “You’re having a baby and you’re my wife and thats beautiful. And all these changes are beautiful too.”

And yet the little droplets come. They streak downward and splash onto his hands

— But they are not his, they are mine.

June 2019

For my loving husband, Zack Anderson

SOL #28 I AM PROBLEM SOLVER

I am problem solver
I am march through the halls problem solver

I am problem solver
I am tough as nails problem solver

I am problem solver
I am knees deep in issues problem solver

I am problem solver
I am up to my eyes in defiance problem solver

I am problem solver
I am Don’t let them get you down! problem solver

I am problem solver
I am speak up, use your voice problem solver

I am problem solver
I am passion-ignited problem solver

I am problem solver
I am do not settle for less problem solver

I am problem solver
I am stand strong, sturdy soul problem solver

I am problem solver
I am queen of NO problem solver

I am problem solver
I am bend the rules, make it work, flexible problem solver

I am problem solver
I am grind your teeth, get ready for the fight problem solver

I am problem solver
I am tears don’t hold me back problem solver

I am problem solver
I am beyond the box, mind-stretching problem solver

I am problem solver
I am heart-to-heart, care about you problem solver

I am problem solver
Because

I

SOLVE

THE PROBLEMS

SOL #26 Surprise Envelope…or Two

 

In the midst of packing… surrounded by boxes, picture frames, medicine bottles, shelves, dog toys, I discovered a few treasures. Some old notes from students, a couple of tickets from a Regina Spektor concert, and a bag of envelopes.

I looked down, and smiled, all giddy-like and read aloud, “Open when you’re stressed.”

That certainly describes me now…report cards and grades due, Parent/Teacher Conferences, and moving to a new place all in one week! I eagerly ripped open the envelope and removed the contents.

Moments later, spilled on the floor were an inscribed note from a friend reminding me that it’ll be okay, some bubble wrap, and a button that reads, “I got 99 problems but they can wait until tomorrow.”

Within seconds the button was reflecting light off my chest.

 

And then I reached for the “Open when you’re happy! :)” envelope.

With even more speed than the first envelope, I tore open the letter case and peeked inside. I slipped the prizes on my feet and obeyed the command to “Happy Dance”.

My feet read “HAPPY”, my mind read “HAPPY”.

And, although this is a most stressful time, it’s such a happy one! I’m so excited and am charging full speed into the face of change.

I’m just so lucky to have friends like this to be there for me when they’re not even here. Thank you, Jill!
Even though I was almost too patient in waiting to open these little prize envelopes and in by doing so, forgot of their existence, these little surprises made this moment so special to me. I love you!

SOL #25 Home

It’s funny how a house becomes a home.
How spaces are filled with things 
and moments
and love.

And, as I pack away my belongings, looking to a brighter future for my fiance and I, I can’t help but feel a sadness for what I’m leaving behind.

Like how Pudge, my French Bulldog, can’t walk down the stairs because they’re too steep, so we have to carry him.
Or how my cats tight-rope walk across the balcony, even though it’s a little shaky.
How about when we used to bump our heads because of the slanted ceilings, but now, somehow, our bodies have adapted and bending my head ever so slightly becomes a natural movement without a thought.
I know I’ll miss the way my future mother-in-law goes out of her way to fill the house with bacon smells on the weekend mornings and laundry fumes by before the next week begins.
I can’t imagine not stealing a hug from my niece any time I please.
It pains me to think about my fiance not being in the same room as me when I’m sleeping…because he’s videogaming all night.
Sitting on the couch with the reminder -and smell- of coffee nearby.

There are so many things, moments, memories we have created in this place. I’m so grateful for this fraction of our lives; I will certainly miss it.

But even more than that, I know that we’re ready for the next fraction, a stepping stone, into a new place that will become our home 
filled with things,
and moments,
and love.

SOL #13 The Day’s Say

Head down, bent over.
Hands rake it, gather it together.

Up it goes.
Time for business.

Each bounce is a new reminder of to-dos on the list.
Each sway is another check on done.

Pull it, not so snug, an inch away.
Little parts linger and stray.

Not so busy, little boxes checked.
Daring to be free, down fingers glide.

And loosely it hangs.
Work’s crease is left from the day.

Tug on the ends and off it springs.
Free at last.

Daring to be
No longer
The Day’s Say.

SOL #12 Our Home

I saw it in your eyes.

Our almost home. When we opened up the doorway and let the sunlight leak in onto the hardwood floors. We were there, just moments away from everything we’ve wanted for a decade.

I jumped at the opportunity. I grabbed your hand and saw that sparkle in your eyes. I knew we were there.

I held it in. That burst of, “Oh my god. It’s going to happen.”

It might. It just might. If not today, then tomorrow.

And, when it does, I’m going to put that moment in my heart. It’ll stay there for eternity.

SOL #11 Our Didn’t Do Day

Today we didn’t shower.

We didn’t get out of bed before eleven.

We didn’t drive our cars.

We didn’t go outside, except to let our dog go potty.

We didn’t wash our clothes.

We didn’t vacuum the floors.

We didn’t clean the litter box-sorry kitties!

We didn’t do the chores.

We didn’t do our work or prepare for the week ahead.

Today, we just didn’t. And it was perfect spending my didn’t do day with you.

SOL #9 A Quiet Haiku

Rising with the sun
Movements of the clock by day
Welcome the quiet

SOL #8 I WILL GET BACK UP AGAIN!!

It is very seldom that I take time for me.

So last night, when I went to Walgreens, as I was walking past the Red Box Kiosk, I saw it…

blaring it’s bright colors, calling my name.

I hadn’t seen it, but I knew ALL the songs. In fact, I’d listened to them on repeat while getting ready for work and working out and teaching down-time with my students.

IT WAS TIME.

So today, when I finally got some free time, I watched it and enjoyed it..singing all the songs to a movie I had never seen. That’s a first for me. 😛

So I went over my time and, technically, I don’t make the count because although it’s not midnight here, I’m in Illinois and it’s about 30 minutes past time.

I’m feeling guilty, but it’s okay. I’m telling myself. Amanda, YOU ARE WRITING. Even after it’s time, I’m still writing and that’s really what this challenge is about.

 

So, TROLLS all the way. “Cause if you knock knock me over knock knock me over

I WILL GET BACK UP AGAIN!”

SOL #7 Non-Sunday Sundays, Word Babble

Blah blah blah blah blah goes my brain.

This is what happens when I try to do things early. When I try to be punctual or proactive or early…MUSH.

My brain goes MUSH.

I can’t think of anything to write although it seemed as if words were a continuously flowing scroll earlier today. During moments when I conveniently didn’t have a pencil or time.

Okay, so maybe I had the time and maybe I had a phone, so I could have taken notes or recorded.
So maybe I was lazy and actually enjoying the little free-time of my Non-Sunday, Sunday day. I didn’t have school, so my normal Sunday filled with the stresses of preparing for the week didn’t exist.
But I still get the Sunday feelings of Monday is around the corner.

Today is Tuesday.

Maybe that’s what I should write about.

I don’t know. This is a jumble of words and thoughts and feelings about Non-Sunday Sundays.

And that’s all you’re going to get out of me for today.

File. Note. Save. Let’s come back later.